


Dear Evan, Connor, Zoe, Jared, and Alana

by ad_dictionary



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Awkward Dates, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Zoe Murphy, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Get Along, Gay, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Is it sexual?, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy Tension, Jared Kleinman Centric, Lesbian Alana Beck, Love Triangles, Multi, Oh God Yes, actually, for fucking once, is it romantic?, not even tension tbh, tbh zoe and jared are the ones who "hate" each other, they deal just for alana, you're all wrong they just jokingly hate each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23518480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ad_dictionary/pseuds/ad_dictionary
Summary: I love chat fics, so here u go
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman, Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Elphaba Thropp/Galinda Upland, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Glinda the Good/Wicked Witch of the West, Janis Sarkisian/Karen Smith, Jared Kleinman & Zoe Murphy, Jared Kleinman/Damian Hubbard, Jared Kleinman/Michael Mell, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Regina George/Cady Heron
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	1. Goddammit Guys

**Author's Note:**

> Evan- EvAn  
> Connor- Moveimgay  
> Jared- Tastethecronch  
> Alana- Alana Marie Beck  
> Zoe- Thebettermurphy
> 
> (see the ends for more notesss)

**_Tastethecronch_** started a chat with **_Moveimgay_** , _**Thebettermurphy**_ , **_Alana_ _Marie_ _Beck_** , and **_EvAn_**  
12:23 A.M

Moveimgay: what the fuck do u want from me

Tastethecronch: Friends, gays, welcome to the almighty goup chat!

Thebettermurphy: goup

Moveimgay: goup

Tastethecronch: stfu

**_Thebettermurphy_** renamed the chat “ ** _goup_** ”

Alana Marie Beck: Why are we here? Do you need to talk about something? Is it bad? Should we be worried? I can help. My friends have all told me I’m a good listener. My parents come into my room and cry sometimes and call me their rock when they're done sobbing about their debt.

Thebettermurphy: Jesus christ Lana

Tastethecronch: Are you okay?

Tastethecronch: I feel like your the one that needs to talk

Moveimgay: imgayasaduck.jpg

Thebettermurphy:...

Thebettermurphy: Can you stop taking pictures of Evan in class?

Moveimgay: but hes hot

Tastethecronch: Get away from my son

Thebettermurphy: You hopeless gay

**_Moveimgay_** and _EvAn_  
3:36

Moveimgay: Orchard?

EvAn: I can be there in ten.

“ ** _Goup_** ”

Tastethecronch: holy shitu

Thebettermurphy: What?

Tastethecronch: They’re opening a lush store on main street

Tastethecronch: and they’re having a ribbon cutting ceremony to celebrate it

Alana Marie Beck: You should ask Damian to go with you.

Tastethecronch: He and Janis are taking Cady out that day

Alana Marie Beck: We’ll go with you.

Thebettermurphy: No we won’t

Alana Marie Beck: Yes we will. When is it?

Tastethecronch: Next thursday

Alana Marie Beck: We don’t have any plans. We’ll be there!

Thebettermurphy: But babeeee

Thebettermurphy: I don’t want to go to Jared’s shitty bath bomb cult meeting

Tastethecronch: rude

Alana Marie Beck: Do it for Jared.

Thebettermurphy: Ew no

Alana Marie Beck: Do it for me.

Thebettermurphy: Fineeeeeee

Thebettermurphy: But only because I love you

Alana Marie Beck: <3

Thebettermurphy: <3

Tastethecronch: ew guys no PDA in the group chat

Tastethecronch: Btw, where are the other gays?

_**EvAn**_ muted the chat

 ** _Moveimgay_** muted the chat

Tastethecronch: They’re totally fucking

Thebettermurphy: Definitely

Alana Marie Beck: Language! 


	2. Gay Simps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor reveal deep secrets, Jared is little more gay than usual, and Alana gets corrupted by chaotic neutral Zoe Murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hOLY SHIT AN UPDATE???
> 
> ImPoSSibLE

**_“Goup”_ **

Tastethecronch: Y'all know Michael Mell?

Thebettermurphy: he’s the stoner kid who goes out with Jeremy Heere right?

Alana Marie Beck: It’s not polite to refer to people as stoners, Zoe.

Thebettermurphy: you're not my mom.

Tastethecronch: She’s you’re daddy though 

**Thebettermurphy has kicked Tastethecronch from “Goup”**

**Alana Marie Beck has added Tastethecronch to “Goup”**

Thebettermurphy: did I ever tell you how much I hate you?

Tastethecronch: All the time

Thebettermurphy: you used “you’re” wrong.

Tastethecronch: Fuck you

Tastethecronch: Actually, I’ll leave that to your girlfriend

Thebettermurphy: i will kick you again.

Tastethecronch: In the chat or irl?   
  


Thebettermurphy: both.

Tastethecronch: Fair

Alana Marie Beck: Hush Zoe. What were you saying about Micheal, Jared?

Tastethecronch: OMG so I was talking to him about the Lush store opening and he offered to join me and then he said we could get pinkberry afterwards and would it be weird if I said I stared at his butt as he walked away??? 

Moveimgay: jared thats gay

EvAn: Connor! Be nice!

Thebettermurphy: Finally done fucking I see?

Alana Marie Beck: Zoe! Be nice!

Tastethecronch: Like sister like brother

EvAn: More like dumbass like dumbass

Alana Marie Beck: Do they share blood or a brain cell?

Thebettermurphy: buttfaces.

Moveimgay: poopyheads

Thebettermurphy: you’re one to talk

Moveimgay: ur just salty you didn’t get the superior hair genes

Thebettermurphy: at least i don’t have ass hair.

Moveimgay: YOU TOLD HER????

**EvAn has left “Goup”**

Tastethecronch: Shit’s about to go down

**Moveimgay has added EvAn to** **“Goup”**

Moveimgay: EV WHY????

Thebettermurphy: first time i’ve ever seen connor capitalize something.

EvAn: LISTEN IT JUST SLIPPED OUT OKAY

Tastethecronch: How tf does your boyfriend's ass hair just “slip out” in a normal conversation?

Thebettermurphy: it was 2 in the morning.

EvAn: We were high.

Moveimgay: you’re forgiven

Alana Marie Beck: Just like that?

Moveimgay: if the weed made him say it, it needed it to be said

Thebettermurphy: like you weren’t gonna forgive him anyways…

Tastethecronch: CAN WE TALK ABOUT MY GAY DISTRESS PLEASE???

Thebettermurphy: fine

Tastethecronch: so did he ask me out??? Am i overthinking this??? What if he hates me and never wants to see me again. WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LIKE BATH BOMBS???

EvAn: Kinda

Moveimgay: yes

Alana Marie Beck: It’s highly improbable.

Thebettermurphy: i can’t emphasize how much i literally do not care

**Alana Marie Beck has removed Thebettermurphy from** **“Goup”**

Alana Marie Beck: Better to do it now before she starts something.

EvAn: ....

Tastethecronch: ...

Moveimgay: ...

Alana Marie Beck: ....

Alana Marie Beck: Can I add her back?

Tastethecronch: Yes

EvAn: Absolutely 

Moveimgay: please do

**Alana Marie Beck has added Thebettermurphy to** **“Goup”**

Tastethecronch: Hey, acorn?

EvAn: ?

Tastethecronch: I know dating hot topic is setting the bar pretty fucking low,

Moveimgay: you’re on thin ice kleinman

Tastethecronch: But how did you get him to date you?

EvAn: We got paired up for some science project, had a lot of sexual tension, and then right after our presentation (it was last period), we went behind the school, and just made out for ten minutes until Ms. Thropp caught us.

Alana Marie Beck: I remember that.

Thebettermurphy: Ms.Upland managed to convince her not to report us

Tastethecronch: Aren’t they dating?

Moveimgay: it’s all just rumors, but tbh, Ms. Thropp’s poetry class partner’s up with my hairstyling class a lot more lately....

Thebettermurphy: i still can’t believe you chose hairdressing as an elective.

Moveimgay: Ms. Upland taught us to properly do french braid last week

Tastethecronch: and Ms. Thropp is bringing in her cat for our “Observing Moving Life” unit

Alana Marie Beck: Oh, you mean Lion?

Alana Marie Beck: She’s sooooo cute!

Moveimgay: holy shit she has emotions

Thebettermurphy: bitch.

Moveimgay: dont get your panties in a twist, im just joking

Thebettermurphy: uhuh.

Alana Marie Beck: It’s okay, Zoe.

Thebettermurphy: if you say so.

Thebettermurphy: i’m watching you conny-bunny.

EvAn: sHE FOUND OUT-

Thebettermurphy: don’t think you’re safe, mr. Pookie Toot Bear.

**EvAn has left “Goup”**

**Moveimgay has left “goup”**

Tastethecronch: they’re to queer for their own good

Alana Marie Beck: Didn’t you start this conversation simping over Micheal Mell?

**Tastethecronch had left “goup”**

**Thebettermurphy has added** **Tastethecronch,** **Moveimgay, and EvAN to “Goup”**

Thebettermurphy: don’t run from your shame.

Alana Marie Beck: Cowards.

Tastethecronch: You’ve corrupted her

Moveimgay: this isn’t fun anymore

Thebettermurphy: deal with it.

Alana Marie Beck: Cowards.

Thebettermurphy: babe, Lana, my dearest, loving girlfriend.

Thebettermurphy: you’re fucking lame.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: more gay (surprise, surprise) and gelphie gets a small interlude


	3. Well fuck there's plot now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared lunch date is interesting

**_“Goup”_ **

Thebettermurphy: wait so do we not have to go to jared’s thing since michael is going?

Alana Marie Beck: I mean, I guess not.

Tastethecronch: I mean, you COULD come

Thebettermurphy: HA!

Thebettermurphy: hell-to-the-fuck no.

Tastethecronch: Fine then

EvAn: We could all go

Moveimgay: zoe’s not the only one who doesn't wanna go

EvAn: I give up

Moveimgay: please do

Tastethecronch: is Jeremy Heere actually dating Micheal or am i just crazy?

Thebettermurphy: both.

Moveimgay: ouch

EvAn: Why do I even try with you two

Moveimgay: good question

Thebettermurphy: it’s too early for this shit anyway.

EvAn: you started??? The conversation???

Thebettermurphy: did i stutter.

Alana Marie Beck: It’s already 8:15, though…

Tastethecronch: Everyone stfu Micheal just got on the bus

Thebettermurphy: lmao evan still won’t drive you?

EvAn: When he stops having morning farts we can talk

Alana Marie Beck: Doesn’t Connor have them too? You still drive him.

**Moveimgay has left “Goup”**

**EvAn has added Moveimgay to “Goup”**

Evan: Driving him is my duty as his boyfriend

Thebettermurphy: you ride him you drive him

**Alaba Marie Beck has kicked Thebettermurphy from “Goup”**

Tastethecronch: SHHHHHH HE’S COMING OVER HERE

EvAn: Is Jeremy with him?

Tastethecronch: YES

Tastethecronch: HE WHISPERED SOMETHING TO MICHAEL AND NOW HE’S BRIGHT RED AND WALKING OVER TO ME

Tastethecronch: HE KINDA LOOKS LIKE HIS HOODIE

Moveimgay: his hoodie is so fuckin’ cool...

Thebettermurphy: connor has a hoodie fetish let’s not pretend.

Alana Marie Beck: How did you get back in the chat?

Thebettermurphy: i’m inevitable 

Moveimgay: wtf???

EvAn: Are you okay Jared?

Moveimgay: …

EvAn: Jared?

***

Tastethecronch: **Oh.** **my.** **god.** im so gay

Thebettermurphy: what else is new.

Tastethecronch: Sorry for ghosting you guys, but Micheal sat next to me and i had gay panic and now we’re going out for lunch today???

EvAn: It’s cool!

EvAn: Wait so is he dating Jeremy or no?

Moveimgay: does it matter????

Thebettermurphy: not everyone is poly like you connor.

Moveimgay: fair

EvAn: Wait so did Rich Goranski ever get back to you?

Moveimgay: nope

Thebettermurphy: wow that really sucks for you huh

Moveimgay: fuck you

Thebettermurphy: fuck me yourself you coward

Moveimgay: incest is bad for you zoe

**Alana Marie Beck has left “Goup”**

***

Prettyprincess1991: I’ve decided I’m quitting my job

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: ‘Scuse me?

Prettyprincess1991: Morrible decided the teachers can no longer skirts above the knee unless they have tights on underneath

Prettyprincess1991: I did not ruin my best friends extensions over the course of 4 long ass years to get my BFA just for some women who gets off on micromanaging to tell me how to dress

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: And I thought I was the activist.

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: Also aren’t dress codes for the students?

Prettyprincess1991: EXACTLY   
  


Prettyprincess1991: IT’S LIKE WE AREN’T OUR OWN PEOPLE ANYMORE

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: Whatever you say, dear.

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: Anyway, did I tell you I found Jared Kleinman and Micheal Mell making out behind the school during lunch hour?   
  


Prettyprincess1991: Finally

Prettyprincess1991: They’ve been ogling each other since friday

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: That was three days ago?

Prettyprincess1991: Too long if you ask me

Prettyprincess1991: Wait

Prettyprincess1991: Isn’t Mell dating Jeremy Heere? 

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: No, he’s not. They’re just close friends.

Prettyprincess1991: Ah.

Prettyprincess1991: Anywayyyyy, are we still on for dinner tonight?

Defyingthegovernmentsince2006: You know it.

***

**“Thebettermurphy and Tastethecronch”**

Tastethecronch: I need your help

Thebettermurphy: hmkayy how much will you pay me?

Tastethecronch: Not that kind of help

Thebettermurphy: o h

Tastethecronch: Something happened…

Tastethecronch: With Micheal…

Thebettermurphy: Let me get Evan

Tastethecronch: NO!

Tastethecronch: I mean, I need to talk to  _ you _ about this

Thebettermurphy: me?

Thebettermurphy: tf is wrong with you

Tastethecronch: your the only person I know who won’t tell anyone

Thebettermurphy: jared, your worrying me

Tastethecronch: me and micheal…. May have kissed…

Thebettermurphy: okay??? And???

Thebettermurphy: isn’t this a good thing?

Tastethecronch: He’s dating Jeremy.

Thebettermurphy: oh shit

Thebettermurphy: well fuck

Thebettermurphy: thats not... good…

Tastethecronch: I know

Tastethecronch: What should I do?

Thebettermurphy: like hell if i know.

Thebettermurphy: I guess you should apologize? 

Thebettermurphy: be upfront about it

Tastethecronch: thats a good idea

Tastethecronch: Thanks zoe, for helping me

Thebettermurphy: dont expect me to do it again bitch

Tastethecronch: there it is

**Thebettermurphy has left the chat**

Tastethecronch: love you too!!

***

**_“Goup”_ **

EvAn: How did you’re lunch go?

Tastethecronch: It was nice

Moveimgay: anything gay happen?

Tastethecronch: no, not really

Alana Marie Beck: Well I hope you have more luck next time!

Tastethecronch: me too

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DO I SMELL,
> 
> DrAmAtiC IrOnY???
> 
> also Elphaba's username "Defyingthegovernmentsince2006" is when she realized she was indeed a fellow homo
> 
> Galinda's is just when she was born

**Author's Note:**

> These are all gonna be really short and gay
> 
> These are also going to yeet away any consistent character traits and personalities


End file.
